In all Seriousness
My life has been a tad bit complicated…nothing that I can ever seem to eloquently express.
I, as many people, paint a smile in my face to deal with the day to day. The more I do this I trick myself into thinking…hoping…praying all will be ok.
There are days when anguish covers me and im internally fighting. I OFTEN Laugh to keep from crying.
BOTTOM LINE is that I used to feel bad about feeling my feelings…and very much ashamed to express them. People who don’t know me know me think I have it all together…people whom I allow myself voluranabilty…know that I’m constantly… trying to mend myself.
They think they know all that is there to know, but I find it hard to express my full self. To know what to disclose and what is not worth it…because they wouldn’t understand anyway…right?
These things make you feel crazy!
How dare I struggle with anxiety and stress and OCD AND procrastination/Laziness? And Stephanie…if you know these things are your “issues” …why don’t you just fix them?
Girl..you have a job…your own home…a car…food to eat (sometimes…too much!)
I dont write these words for sympathy…I write these words AS THERAPY…and so my sisters out here know you are not alone!
This is my answer to all the “if you ever need to talk girl!!” End of fluffy conversations that a lot of us clichely add when we depart.
So If you you want to talk…comment below. I’m here with you sis…..NOW!
Stay Luxe…while plus.. and Live Life!
Hey Luxe Babes and Gents
This isn’t going to be a fashion post…I mean, If your reading this…I know you are a true follower…or forgot to unfollow…lol!
DISCLAIMER: This Post may not be the most heavily edited…I’m kinda in my feelings about my life…and Im leaving out a lot…probably TONS of additional information for you to really connect the dots. Im just scratching the surface…not ready to be completely raw…yet. So Forgive my candidness and scatter babbling…but typing this helps turn tragedy into tears and tears to therapy. I need this…more then you ever know.
This is going to be more of a “Lets talk abt the invisible Elephant in the Room” type of post. My Feeling on life…The sadness in mine. My instagram followers know that I try to always be “real” to a certain degree. This is mainly because I see the beauty and the tragedy of what social media can indirectly do to out mental state! Social media is beneficial in a lot of ways…but I can see and have been subjected to its flaws. (Humor and whittness included…not sold separately)
If we don’t consciously exercise our self-awareness muscle, we might never realize how much the, sometimes hours, of mindless scrolling can affect the way we think about ourselves and our lives. There are some of us who think we are too fat, too thin…too short or too tall! Some of that think that they should have been married by now…or have been a mother of at least one child…Or that they have one kid too many, Some of us think that if we are single, we are broken…or that if our home don’t look immaculate 24/7 …we simply don’t and will never have it together!
Some of us think we are so behind the curve in finances if we cant just go to the chanel store and purchase that Buttery Calf skin leather bag we have always dreamed of. But I want you guys to do is take a deep breath and take other peoples lives with a grain of salt. Yes! There are some people out there who literally have saved and worked their ass off to get what they have…and that’s awesome!! Inspiring even! But You will probably never know just the amount of work and sacrifice they put in to get what they have!
But then…there are others, who wear the best of the best…drive the sleekest cars…live in the poshest of neighborhoods and are in debt up to their ears!!
If they loos their job…ISSA WRAP! And the Jone’s aren’t handing out personal loans to help us out when our finances are going down the drain!
I lived out of my means for a long while. Now, I wasn’t out here on my way less then 6 Figure Salary buying Audi’s and dropping thousands on Chanel bags and eating lobster and caviar as a Bi-Weekly treat. But I was using credit cards to create a life I wanted in order to feel “Normal”. It is indeed…toxic.
You see…My normal was not being “Extra” all the time, It was being able to buy extras when I wanted them and not having to be drilling down my checking account to see if I could afford it. It started out (Post buying my home 3 years ago” Purchasing (Charging) and paying off every month. Then I became Lax…The payments got lower (Less then the Balance) and the Balances became higher, Life slooooooowly creeped up on me.
Long story short…I could no longer breathe anymore. I got anxious when the phone rang…or I checked my mail. It was hard…tons of tears and a LOT of me hiding…because I could not let my family know how I screwed up. I could never reach out to them and ask for a bail out…not prideful…its just not a thing with my family. We have an unspoken “Dont talk abt out unless its critical” clause… And it would never be criticle enough for me too seek help from them (Other then the little advice from my Sister and BIL…but that’s it) I’m NOT here to give financial advice on what to do…BUT I will say that the feeling of Financial suffocation is an Awful, emotional feeling. Am I completely healed of this demon? I would love to say yes…but I know I’m not. I’m a little more cautious. I use my Debit card for most things these days…but I still have that overspending bug. So I have to reel it in when I feel out of control. Its like a eating disorder…but with money!
The same goes for my relationships….my Weight…my feelings of insecurity and “Will I Always be alone???”. We ALL have things that we are feeling that weighs on us. I know I have some depression…and anxiety. I HATE the weight i’m at…yet I’m tired of dieting. I wish I was “Body Positive” and Fat and Happy!” BUT IM NOT. I don’t Love my body at this weight…and neither do I feel Healthy at this weight (Which is the #1 thing I want to do…feel better!) It’s a thing! An in the Plus-Size community, I feel like we lack HONEST conversations about what we are accepting in our lives. (And Im NOT speaking to people who have legit medical illnesses and such…or who TRUELY just like being heavy…and that is Far and few…weather we want to admit it or not. At least im honest with myself!
“Your Soooo Pretty Stephanie! I cant believe you dont at least have a boyfriend!?!!?” I’m an introvert who just wants to be with someone who like to chill at home…or snuggle on roof tops across atlanta! LOL! (Do Yall realize how hard that is to find?? LOL!) To be blatantly honest…I’m not sure I am at the right place in my Mental health to allow someone in my space to love me! Would I believe “him” if he complimented me? Is he really interested in getting to know me or is he just trying to hit it? (Yes…at 40…this is still a thing!” . Will he truly accept all of me (In my John Legend voice) and all my flaws?? I secretly done even believe John Legends words…cause Crissy is a whole snack and her flaws would be my “After” even after baring 2 children and aging! Im just being real…lmao! (And I Love Crissy T! IJS!)
So to get to the point of the point of the point…Everyone’s story isn’t what you think. Social media…your co-workers and your neighbors…don’t always believe what you see or hear! I mean…some of your friends are out here renting MK Bags from rent-a center! Did you know that was a thing? Yeah…your welcome. (And if they are renting MK Bags…they are WAY behind SIS! If imma go broke or rent a bag…It’s gonna read Chanel, Hermes or Bottega… SOMETHING of substance! lol!
I often sit and Cry (I told yall I had bouts of depression) abt all the mistakes I made…the reflection in the mirror…the thought about loosing what little looks I had left after turning 40. And although I know it isn’t the healthiest way of coping…its ok to cry sometimes. I know yall want me to plus in 73 motivational quotes about how you are a boss, how you are a strong (Insert whatever you identify with…) woman, and how you need to create the life you want!! But I’m not going to. Although having mantras are not a bad idea… faith without work is DEAD. Some of the work includes sharing so your fellow woman does not feel alone…being REAL sometimes…not only sharing the highlight REEL (See what I did there? :::Eye Wink::) , and working on YOU at your own pace.
Love you guys…whoever takes the time to read this…you are the best.